The other day, I had my first "I can't do this" breakdown... crying included. By the end of the day on Thursday, I was really beginning to question whoever in the hell entrusted me with to care for my two children. I mean, am I really physically and mentally capable of this? Some days I think not....
A fellow blogger posted the other day about how many bloggers, especially mommy bloggers, only post the good stuff. You know the stuff I'm talking about... "My baby poops 24-karat gold nuggets"... "My toddler can recite the entire alphabet... in English, Spanish, French and Mandarin" and blah blah blah! They often fail to mention that they had a crappy day and that all they accomplished for that day was keeping their entire family alive... barely. They fail to mention that they had a fussy baby who wouldn't nap or an "assertive" toddler who did the complete opposite of everything requested that day. Wow, it must be so nice to live in a perfect world... with perfect children... a perfect husband... and be so damn perfect! Would I prefer nothing but rainbows and butterflies all day, every day? Sure. But that's not how life is. Some days, it's just pure survival. The kids and husband are fed, but I haven't eaten all day. The kids and husband are bathed and in clean clothes, but I'm still in my pajamas. It's par for the course... it's motherhood.
Thursday was one of those days when nothing went according to plan. I won't get into the semantics of the entire morning, but just know it felt awful. It included lack of sleep, an assertive toddler and a run in with a contractor who showed up to do some work unannounced. By 10am, I was on the phone with my mother, who was at work, sobbing. I don't think she understood the first 2-minutes of our conversation because I was crying so hard, but that's okay. After discussing what was bothering me, I felt remarkably better and I felt completely ungrateful. The truth is, I was calling my mother while driving to a monthly massage appointment. Yes, I am an utter and total brat. I should be overjoyed that my mother-in-law was generous enough to offer to watch the girls while I had some rest and relaxation. My mother, being ever so kind, reassured me that a massage was exactly what I needed and that I needed to let go. Nothing that had occurred that morning was as awful as I had originally thought and the world would continue to turn. This just goes to show that my stress is self-induced, as it's my reaction to other people's actions. Nonetheless, every mother is entitled to a breakdown every now and then... right? Absolutely!
So after my mommy meltdown, I enjoyed my hour-long massage and returned home to my two loving (and often assertive) girls. My mother-in-law asked what she could do to help before she left and I said "wash the dishes." And without hesitation, my mother-in-law washed a sink full of dishes while I enjoyed playing the girls in the family room. I was able to return to my girls and be "mommy" again, not "Crazy Kim."
I'm also proud to report that Cecilia poops about once a week and that Bella can recite the alphabet in English. I'm no longer waiting for 24-karat gold nuggets in CeCe's diapers or wishing for Bella to be multi-lingual. No rainbows and butterflies here, folks... just a stay-at-home-mom and her two girls, taking life one day at a time. This is me, this is us.
Love always,
Ian, Kim, Bella & Cecilia
I've been wanting to comment on your past few posts, but my iPad hasn't been agreeing with passwords on blogs-blah. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I think you're a mommy rock star. The confidence you have in you mothering has helped me leaps and bounds. There is no perfect, but I always feel guilty when I blog about the not so good, because I feel like I'm complaining to the world about something that is a real privilege to do. I hope you have some fun days ahead and hopefully a few gold nuggets!
ReplyDeleteWhatever man, we're totally working on Swahili with James. Ha! Kidding, I think its amazing that Bella (or any kid her age) knows any of the alphabet! :)
ReplyDeleteAww, thank you Sarah! I don't often feel like a mommy rock star, so that's really nice to hear. I have learned that you must be confident in your mothering because you're your own biggest critic. If you aren't confident in your mothering, then no one else will be, not that no one else needs to be, but it's always nice to have. And don't let the facade fool you, I'm just as vulnerable as any other mom.
ReplyDeleteI also feel like I'm complaining, especially when part of the reason I'm stressed is because I'm running late for a massage. Really? I can sometimes be a real brat. I have two beautiful, happy, healthy, smart daughters... what more do I need? Okay, maybe a daily nap, but that's just gravy.
Today isn't shaping up as expected due to a delayed allergic reaction from allergy testing this morning. Bella is doped up on Benadryl and I need to monitor her for the rest of the day. I was really hoping to take the girls some place fun, like Lowry Park Zoo or Busch Gardens. Oh well, at least Bella is playing quietly by herself and CeCe is napping in her bouncer. =)
(spoken in a snooty New York accent): "My Bella has spoken Swahili since birth... and she can count to 1,000 in seven different languages..."
ReplyDeleteHer ability to recite the alphabet (which some letters are unintelligible at times) is a complete fluke. Sometimes I get tired of singing the Hot Dog Song and sing the alphabet song instead. =)