The other day, I had my first "I can't do this" breakdown... crying included. By the end of the day on Thursday, I was really beginning to question whoever in the hell entrusted me with to care for my two children. I mean, am I really physically and mentally capable of this? Some days I think not....
A fellow blogger posted the other day about how many bloggers, especially mommy bloggers, only post the good stuff. You know the stuff I'm talking about... "My baby poops 24-karat gold nuggets"... "My toddler can recite the entire alphabet... in English, Spanish, French and Mandarin" and blah blah blah! They often fail to mention that they had a crappy day and that all they accomplished for that day was keeping their entire family alive... barely. They fail to mention that they had a fussy baby who wouldn't nap or an "assertive" toddler who did the complete opposite of everything requested that day. Wow, it must be so nice to live in a perfect world... with perfect children... a perfect husband... and be so damn perfect! Would I prefer nothing but rainbows and butterflies all day, every day? Sure. But that's not how life is. Some days, it's just pure survival. The kids and husband are fed, but I haven't eaten all day. The kids and husband are bathed and in clean clothes, but I'm still in my pajamas. It's par for the course... it's motherhood.
Thursday was one of those days when nothing went according to plan. I won't get into the semantics of the entire morning, but just know it felt awful. It included lack of sleep, an assertive toddler and a run in with a contractor who showed up to do some work unannounced. By 10am, I was on the phone with my mother, who was at work, sobbing. I don't think she understood the first 2-minutes of our conversation because I was crying so hard, but that's okay. After discussing what was bothering me, I felt remarkably better and I felt completely ungrateful. The truth is, I was calling my mother while driving to a monthly massage appointment. Yes, I am an utter and total brat. I should be overjoyed that my mother-in-law was generous enough to offer to watch the girls while I had some rest and relaxation. My mother, being ever so kind, reassured me that a massage was exactly what I needed and that I needed to let go. Nothing that had occurred that morning was as awful as I had originally thought and the world would continue to turn. This just goes to show that my stress is self-induced, as it's my reaction to other people's actions. Nonetheless, every mother is entitled to a breakdown every now and then... right? Absolutely!
So after my mommy meltdown, I enjoyed my hour-long massage and returned home to my two loving (and often assertive) girls. My mother-in-law asked what she could do to help before she left and I said "wash the dishes." And without hesitation, my mother-in-law washed a sink full of dishes while I enjoyed playing the girls in the family room. I was able to return to my girls and be "mommy" again, not "Crazy Kim."
I'm also proud to report that Cecilia poops about once a week and that Bella can recite the alphabet in English. I'm no longer waiting for 24-karat gold nuggets in CeCe's diapers or wishing for Bella to be multi-lingual. No rainbows and butterflies here, folks... just a stay-at-home-mom and her two girls, taking life one day at a time. This is me, this is us.
Ian, Kim, Bella & Cecilia