Friday, May 11, 2012

Private struggle

We all struggle privately. I mean we all have insecurities that only we know about and choose not to publicly discuss, right? Well today, I have chosen to take my private struggle public.

I am struggling with nursing. Today was probably one of the worst days... ever! CeCe nursed like a champ over the past few days and I've overcome multiple infections and other various hurdles. I thought we had made some significant progress... but apparently I thought wrong.

Today was awful. CeCe was overwhelmed with MY over production and over active let down. The poor girl fussed and choked as she was trying to receive the very nourishment she needed. I hated seeing her like this and no matter what I tried, it didn't work. I felt like an absolute failure as a mother, but I still tried my damnedest.

Despite the pain, both physical and emotional, I kept trying. I knew that if we kept at it, we would get in sync and get through this latest issue. I knew it, but I needed to convince a 1-month-old that we would get through it. So with every sputter, gulp and cough, I reassured her that she was doing a good job. I told her that mommy couldn't help all the extra milk and that if we could get through the next day or so that we'd be good as gold. I tried and by the end of the day, I felt like I had royally failed.

Now, as I lay in bed and write this, I know in my heart of hearts that I did not fail. Did we struggle with nursing today? Yes. But did I fail CeCe as a mother? No. As we struggled together today, CeCe had the constant love and reassurance of her mother that she was succeeding and that everything would be okay. What more could Ido as a mother? Absolutely nothing. She had all of me today.

On a side note, I contacted a friend very early this morning. I asked her to remind me why I was l doing this. She replied to me with very thoughtful and meaningful words. As I read her reassuring and loving words, I cried. I cried because she put into words what I was feeling. I cried because I felt loved and supported. I cried because I was happy.

Private struggles are usually something we internalize. Today I chose to share mine and received an invaluable amount of support. This support kept me going throughout the day and this support has helped me continue my journey.

Love always,
Ian, Kim, Bella & Cecilia

P.S. Thank you!


  1. I'm so sorry that you had a hard day. Nursing was a struggle for me at first and then one day I was like, wait-this isn't hard anymore, and now its so so special. Another blog I read shared the same struggles with letdown and overproduction, you may be able to find some tips from her experience
    Keep up the hard work, your doing great!!

  2. Okay, this made me teary. I myself often struggle privately and your story is just a testimony of how much better we can handle them if we set aside ourselves and make it public. It won't stay this hard. Even when we lose our footing, we move forward, endure, and ultimately conquer. The big thing that didn't quit!!!! Aside from anything else that, Kim, is victory! I am so, so, so proud of you (and CeCe too!!!